Ocean Amoeba Seminar
Climate Change Seminar for Amoebas, Prefishtoric World


My story begins here. This is an account, recorded in my lost diary, of how I became a Class 12 Zapadapt Climate Engineer. In the early days it seemed against all odds that I would achieve it. I had so much to learn that I protected myself from the knowledge of my vast ignorance by congratulating myself on how much I already knew.

I was devoted to learning more but I had a long way to go, and had I thought of it that way I might not have taken the first step. I couldn't let a mistake like that happen so I believed in myself instead. That belief took the place of all the knowledge I didn't have.

The beginning seems so long ago because it was a very long time ago, and that is where my story begins, with my first journal entry in my diary which is now on display in the Zapadapt Museum of History. All the entries that follow are true and faithful accounts of my experiences as a Zap Agent.

Om, Class 12 Engineer
ZapTek Rank - Universal


800 million years ago I came to consciousness in a vast, amorphous world, and at the bottom of the ocean, explaining climate change to amoebas. As a Zapadapt Engineer, Class 1, it is my job to make sure plenty of amoebas become trilobites. We can't evolve life on the planet if amoebas won't adapt. They are our first building blocks in evolution, the ones on the ground level of the immense and miraculous construction of life that is to follow. So it is on the ground level I find myself working to ensure those blocks are properly in place.


In this Prefishtoric World, with the promise of future fishes appearing as shadows of what may come, amoebas have ruled for hundred of millions of years. Oh, they'll show up at the seminar just to get the free bacteria snacks but they ignore the shadows - the ominous signs and dark omens of the near and distant future - as well as my warnings of the dangers to them of climate change.

Amoebas are single-cell organisms, and that cell isn't spending energy on brain power, so their decision making, if there is any, is bound to be faulty. But far, far, I'm talking far, in the inconceivable future of the Meghalayan Age, an advanced Homo sapiens species, congratulating itself on hoarding 37 trillion cells per person and sporting a highly developed brain, is making no better decisions about climate change than the amoebas.

Lightship Argo

It will take more than a Class 1 Engineer to address that issue. I will have to be Class 12 to participate in that project as well as ZapTek Rank - Universal. To get that class and that rank I will need to pass all the Teknowledgy Assessments, keep a comprehensive diary recording my career development, and clear all the Expand-a-mind-amometers.

I will need to learn this career from the ground up. I think the best way to begin anything is just to have faith that you know what you are doing and trust in yourself even as you make mistakes. I don't know how I got here, I just AM here, and I did not come alone. I arrived with a lot of equipment I might need, in the hull of that lightship moored over there that apparently brought me here. It's shaped like the Constellation Argo, so maybe I came from there. I don't know where I came from.

I think the best way to start my career is to not give up on the amoebas. This is an excellent opportunity to establish a relationship with one-celled organisms. To establish communication with them I opened channel and explained to them that formation of planetary land masses is making the climate insufferable (try explaining that to an amoeba), so I think they will enjoy the extra protection of the trilobite exoskeleton. By enjoy, I mean the armor it provides will keep them safe.

Cambriam Period
In the final effort, and my one big chance to influence them, I conducted this seminar to help them understand exactly the nature of their situation. I tried to sell it to them by telling them they can get in on the ground floor of the most phenomenal evolutionary opportunity in the entire history of planet Earth, called the Cambrian Explosion.

I hyped it by telling them that even in the 800 million years of Earth history to follow, there will be nothing like it. I said to them that they are fortunate, indeed blessed, to have the rare privilege to opt to live during the Fortunian Age of the Terreneuvian Epoch of the Cambrian Period of the Paleozoic Era of the Phanerozoic Eon. All they need to do is sign up during the recruitment period.

I prefer to take the positive approach rather than the negative, but in the case of amoebas I felt a threat to their lives might be more effective than an appeal to their aspirations. So, as an added incentive, I reminded them of the dangers to them of missing out on the chance of getting better armor during the upcoming climate changes, and that without it they may be doomed to extinction. I'm not sure they understand the concept of extinction and I may have pushed that point a bit much but I needed their cooperation.

Explain though I might, these amoebas wouldn't see my point and didn't want to make any changes. I think if the climate crisis happened faster they would be more responsive. It's a hard sell to get them to make changes for something that will occur 20 million years from now. But if one of them suddenly sprouted teeth they would respond in a flash.

Homo sapiens have essentially the same issue. Their brains aren't wired to respond easily to threats that aren't dooming them immediately. When I came to consciousness for a time in the Meghalayan Age (it was essentially a fishing vacation) I came across this quotation in the newspaper as I was wrapping my fish in it. Perhaps I was there just to read it, because I find it very helpful in advancing my understanding of amoebas.

"Our brain is essentially a get-out-of-the-way machine. That's why we can duck a baseball in milliseconds. While we have come to dominate the planet because of such traits, threats that develop over decades rather than seconds circumvent the brain's alarm system. Many environmentalists say climate change is happening too fast. No, it's happening too slowly. It's not happening nearly quickly enough to get our attention." (Daniel Gilbert, Harvard University)

So, needing to get on with it and get ahead of the looming climate crisis, as any competent Zap Agent would do, I downloaded the equipment from my lightship and built an Amoeba Zapadapt Platform. I pushed amoebas through the Zapadapt to expedite things, whether they wanted to go or not. It was for a good cause, on account of the current climate situation and because of their armor needs, for shielding. They went in as amoeba and came out as trilobite. I don't think it hurt them but it couldn't have been much fun. With any luck they won't be angry with me. I'm only sorry I couldn't shove their entire species through the Zapadapt.

Amoeba Zapadapt Platform Amoeba Zapadapt Platform

This massive transformer operation - amoeba to trilobite - required that I build a Zapadapt Ocean Floor Platform to hold the Zapadapt Control Panel with Diary Attachment, an Electrical Geneticizer Generator, and a dedicated Three-Spectrum Portal Transformer with Extrudomatic Pipe Attachments and Water Turbine Power Amplifiers. I didn't have to install the Zap Works sign, but I wanted to brag a little bit. Zapadapt gets the job done!

Zap DiaryI think the size and complexity of this operation, combined with the professional use of major transformer equipment, would certainly qualify me for Class 2 Engineer. I am recoding my activities as a Zap Agent in my new diary. I can't seem to get in touch with anyone in home office about the seminar or about my erratic schedule, so my diary may come in handy should they need to review my accomplishments for career advancement purposes. Waiting to hear back from them.

Om, Class 1 Engineer

Expanded Mind Expand-a-mind-amometer Checkpoint 1 - Check Your Mind Expansion

Control PanelTeknowledgy Assessment 1 - ZapTek 1

Next - Journal Entry 2 - Humanoid Capture Platform

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ART, NARRATIVE, AND WEB DESIGN BY CLAIRE GRACE WATSON, M.S.T., Copyright Notice - Zapadapt - Text and images copyrighted March 21, 1993-2022, Claire Grace Watson, B.A., M.S.T., U.S. Copyright and under the Digital Millennium Copyright Act of 1998, All rights reserved. No part of this web page may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without written permission from the author, except for the inclusion of brief quotations in a review.